Fallow Ground

It was supposed to be a routine same-day surgery. In at 6am to get all setup for surgery at 7:30am and then home later that afternoon. Then, a little less than two weeks later, back to work and the normal routine of things. I had spent weeks getting everything lined up on work, home and bible study schedules so that this would fit in and take care of a problem that had been plaguing me for years. Easy-peasy. In and out and then back to the grind.

Yet here I was, a week after the surgery lying in a hospital bed, completely wiped out. Although surgery went well and I went home the same day, after a few days of starting to feel better, I quickly started going the other direction. By day two of more pain than the surgery initially brought and then developing a fever and chills, I knew something wasn’t right. So, I called the doc. I was supposed to see him the next day for a check-up but something told me I shouldn’t wait.

And it’s a good thing I didn’t wait it out. Turns out I had developed some sort of post-op internal infection, and I learned quickly that they treat these things like five alarm fires. Within an hour of my doctor telling me this is what was going on, they had me in the hospital hooked up to the first dose of IV antibiotics.

In just minutes, my plans on how this was all supposed to play out and how I was supposed to heal up were blown away. Not only that, but I was completely removed from my life. I was confined in a place I didn’t want to be in. My body hurt everywhere. I was tethered to this machine pumping drugs into my system, so I effectively lost the use of one hand. I wasn’t allowed to have anything but clear liquids, just in case they may have to surgically intervene to identify and clear out the infection. There were medical staff parading into my room every 2 hours to do something, so sleep was a thing I could only long for.

How could this be? This isn’t how this was supposed to go. I was supposed to be at home taking it easy and working on my lessons for our ministry times in Kenya in November. We had chosen Hosea 10:12 as our theme for the women’s retreat. “Sow for yourselves righteousness; reap steadfast love; break up your fallow ground, for it is time to seek the Lord, that he may rain righteousness upon you.” And I felt I was supposed to be the one to give the lesson on this. I needed to dig into this and start preparing. Yet now I didn’t even have access to a bible or a computer or paper or pen. I was being held captive under circumstances that were well beyond my control.

I put up a good front about all of this for the first 24 hours of my “captivity.” I made it through all the interruptions of the first night and spent the next day in fairly good spirits with my hubby patiently sitting with me in my room. But on the second night, when the first few minutes of sleep I had been able to achieve in days was interrupted after only an hour by the new night nurse taking my vital signs (again!), I ended up in melt-down mode. Over-tired, lonely, frustrated, scared, helpless, completely removed from anything familiar. This was the place it took for me to be in for God to break through my fallow ground.

At 2:30am that second night, tears just started seeping out. And before I knew it, the floodgates opened. Deep sobs racked my body. And as the waterworks came, so did revelation, and release.

You see, in my weak and helpless state, I was finally forced to see what God had known, and tolerated, for some time. That I was cheating God, and myself. For quite a while God had been nudging me and asking me to spend more time with Him. To press into Him more earnestly. Yet, I kept putting Him off. I was too busy and there were a zillion other things that needed to get done. “I’ll spend more time with you tomorrow. I just need to get this done today,” is what I so often said to God. For a long time I had been allowing the things of the world to creep into my life to the point that God started taking a back seat. Work, ministry busy-ness, TV, Facebook. You name it. They all played a part in distracting me from Him. God knew I needed a time out in order to get things in order! And that’s just what he did. He gave me a time out.

Brought to a complete state of weakness – body, mind, and soul - God taught me the lesson I was trying to prepare. Because I had allowed these other things to take priority over Him and because I didn’t take time to confess my sins and commune with Him like I should, my own heart had gone fallow. I had become that “crusty Christian.” I could talk a good Christian message, but my heart just wasn’t in sync and vulnerable to His Spirit. And in the quiet of that hospital room, when I truly took the time to reflect on the state of my heart, I didn’t like what I saw – at all. So what started as tears of despair, quickly turned to tears of conviction and repentance; which then became tears of healing. And by the time my sobs subsided, there was a peace and vulnerability in His Spirit that I haven’t felt for a long time. And it felt soooooo good. And I knew that my body would now heal, because my spirit was healed.

So my question to you is this: What are the fallow places in your heart? What are the things that you have allowed to come into your life to turn your heart towards the world, away from God? What sins or issues have you not been taking time to confess to God and allowing Him to “break up” for you? What is making the heart of flesh God has given you crusty and fallow?

Take it from someone who has recently learned the hard way how God can deal with fallow hearts, and spend time with Him. Quality time. Let Him convict. Let Him do His work in you, even if it’s uncomfortable. And by all means, beware of those life distractions and busy-ness that creeps in and steals your time from Him.

It turns out God did help me prepare the lesson for the African women. He gave me that priceless gift of experiencing first-hand that which I was being asked to teach. And trust me, I know the work He is doing in me is not over. I now need to guard my “newly plowed” and vulnerable heart and seek and depend on His discipline and strength to move into a new place of intimacy with Him like I’ve never known before. I can’t wait to meet more of Him!

Psalm 34: 6-8 “This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him and saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them. Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good!”